Last Updated: December, 2007.

•    Alex Carpenter holds the World Record for being the only man to make Chuck Norris blush.
•    The boiling point of water is 212 °F. The boiling point of fangirls is Alex Carpenter.
•    The word “love” was invented because “Alex Carpenter” was too long.
•    The line to ride Space Mountain is a mere fraction of the line to ride Alex Carpenter.
•    Alex Carpenter doesn’t break guitar strings. They merely give up to his magnificence.
•    Alex Carpenter once hired bodyguards to ward off his fangirls. Two minutes later, he had to hire the fangirls to ward off his bodyguards.
•    Alex Carpenter won Prom King at Los Angeles High School .. too bad he went to Beverly Hills High.
•    Alex Carpenter’s pheremones are so strong, that he can impregnate any woman within a 50 mile radius.
•    Alex Carpenter invented Axe. The cologne is made of Alex’s pheromones so that other men could get some women.
•    Amortentia is derived from Alex Carpenter’s sweat.
•    Alex Carpenter isn’t human; he’s omnipresent.
•    Alex Carpenter doesn’t have a tour bus. He rides groupies.
•    Girls who attened Alex Carpenter’s concerts can no longer wear white on their wedding nights.
•    Alex Carpenter has never won a poker game, because every player undresses him with their eyes.
•    …And on the seventh day, Alex Carpenter was made and God said, “Well I can’t beat perfection”.
•    Every time Alex Carpenter rings a girl’s bell, and angel gets their wings. Unfortunately, after about one hour, everyone had wings.
•    A smoke shop decided to lace cigars with essence of Alex Carpenter. However, it was so hot that the cigars smoked themselves.
•    Steroids are actually derived from Alex Carpenter’s DNA, and are injected by men who wish to become as attractive as Alex Carpenter.
•    Alex Carpenter is the only known male veela–not because all others are women, but rather, because all other male veela proved to be inferior.
•    Alex Carpenter doesn’t read; he coaxes the information out with his stare.
•    The Earth doesn’t revolve around the sun; the sun revolves around Alex Carpenter.
•    Global warming began to keep up with Alex Carpenter.
•    Alex Carpenter doesn’t walk the red carpet; he walks on fan girls.
•    Alex Carpenter has never delivered a cheesy pick-up line…. not because he doesn’t know any, but rather, because his mouth was preocuppied by a fangirl’s tongue.
•    Alex Carpenter doesn’t have fans; he has a cult following.
•    Alex Carpenter’s Internet service never crashes; it’s always turned on.
•    Alex Carpenter works for no man; man works for Alex Carpenter.
•    Alex Carpenter won’t age, because age won’t allow him to wrinkle.
•    Alex Carpenter isn’t hung like a horse. Horses are hung like Alex Carpenter.
•    Alex Carpenter has to shower ten times a day, because his pores secrete pheremones so seductive, that they attract fangirls at a ratio ten times that of an electromagnet to a paperclip.
•    Alex Carpenter’s little black book is roughly the size of a standard English dictionary.   …a Standard American English dictionary.   …complete with ebonics.
•    The Human Torch made a bet with Alex Carpenter, to see who was hotter… and LOST.
•    Alex Carpenter has an ALL ACCESS pass to every girl on the planet.
•    Water gets wet when it sees Alex Carpenter.
•    Alex Carpenter doesn’t use pick-up lines to attract women; pick-up lines use Alex Carpenter to attract women.
•    Books? Alex Carpenter reads fangirls from cover to cover (in Braille).
•    Alex Carpenter has no blood running through his veins–only pheremones.

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DISCLAIMER: There is no actual evidence that Alex Carpenter has ever made Chuck Norris blush. There is, however, evidence that Chuck Norris jokes blushed when they met jokes about Alex Carpenter.

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